Of times past and unchartered waters

Those tears that I shed. What are they for? I found myself reflecting more upon the reason for the tears rather than merely getting emotional over the experience, especially now after the emotions have subsided and logic and reason swoon in.

I admit. I cried like Narcissus would have cried if someone carved his face with a knife. I thought that leaving KYUEM would inevitably lead to the same scenario that I braved through after I left ASiS: unfamiliar waters looming ahead and an insatiable craving for times past. It reminds me of the notion of a person is now out of his comfort zone (his familiar surroundings like school, college, old friends) and is forced by the incessant movement of time, into the scary, badass, real world (unfamiliar surroundings i.e. change). Maybe that is the real reason why I cried. I am scared of the notion of unfamiliar, unchartered waters. Fear is always a solid logical reason for tears. I fear loneliness in the face of an enemy not yet known. I fear of losing my friends, the ones that I have always relied on for support and sometimes survival. We always fear losing the things that we already have, hence the general dislike against change (I’m speaking very generally of course). This is the logic/ philosopher in me speaking.

What about the romantic in me? I cried because I love my friends and leaving college would mean missing their company and eccentricities.

Now however, after emotions is replaced by logic and reason, I feel nothing more than a vague and peculiar sense of numbness. The kind of numbness that would have come after a particularly sharp jab of pain, or utter euphoria or maybe melancholy. Probably the body’s response after it had had excreted a notch too high a level for hormones, or in laymen’s term it had experienced an emotion that is too strong.

To say “moving on is the only way to go” is a hated cliché and everyone is aware of that. But if you could entertain me for a paragraph or two, if for once I was given powers by the grace of God to halt time. After all, the only reason why I would want to go to university and torture myself studying for yet another 3years is societal pressure. The pressure to be the best amongst the best, lest survival is an impossibility. In a globalised world the primal instinct (whether or not it is an innate human nature is of course a debate but I will not go into that matter) is similar : you snooze you lose, even though the stakes is much higher : your personal survival.

What then should I do if the prospect of leaving is too hard to contemplate? Continue studying in that college? For how long? Till the day I die? As futile and gormless as this possibility has been, it is nonetheless quite pleasant a thought (especially when you are going through an emotional roller coaster ride).

There I go again, mulling over the possibility of the “Peter Pan dream”.

So this pain and tears, are they worth it? After all, you are crying for something that will inevitably happen. But then again, why do people cry and mourn in funerals?

To honour times past or for fear of the unfamiliar waters? Human beings are complex creatures with surprisingly simple habits. As with all explanations of basic habits of complex creatures, there are more than one answer. And the answers are not necessarily definitive i.e. I don’t fucking know.